2004-02-17 - 7:41 p.m.
today was court day as usual so i was occupied all day, thank god. tommorrow i guess i will be occupied too since the lady from the state that reviews my grant is coming, maybe i should be nervous, but i don't really care at this point. i also see my new shrink tommorrow morning, lets hope it goes better with her than fuckface.
we went to the gym after work today and played basketball again, now i'm getting dinner ready and looking forward to survivor....there we go with that reality tv thing again. honestly, isn't it sick?
on another wavelength, i have been having some REALLY fucked up dreams lately. 2 nights ago i had a dream my mom had cancer and her fuckhead husband wouldn't let me see her or talk to her, then i had a dream right after that that my husband had cancer and was dying, my god, what would i do?i'm in this precarious position where he is my whole life here, i guess that's where connecting with others would come in handy, if i could just work up the courage. anyway, last night i dreamt that i was single and my ex was coming to visit and all i wanted was to win him back. i should explain some about this ex i guess. we dated for 5 years and planned on being married, the whole deal, he was my best friend, a wonderful lover, we were so much alike and i loved him like i will never allow myself to love again. when he left me i was utterly destroyed. we remained friends, we still talk every month or so, though he lives 3 states away. i was so hung up on him for so long, thought we'd be together again for years after we broke up (even when i was with my now husband) but he didn't come back for me so we're not. Not too long ago he told me that he was hung up on me for a long time too but thought i'd be better off since we broke up and then i was with someone else (still am). when he told me that i was disappointed, i thought about how different things could have been, how they could have worked out the way i expected. but i also thought about what i have with my husband now, and there is no way i would ever trade it. its different than it was with my ex, but its secure and wonderful. the ex has actually met someone else now, which is weird too, but i'm glad, i hope he is happy with her, she sounds great. anyway, having that dream made me wonder if i still have hangups about him, and in a way i guess i do. i'll always wonder what might have been, i'll always love him in some way, and he's a great friend now. this has gotten much longer and more reflective than i anticipated.
i'm off to finish getting dinner ready, on the diet front, i was up two pounds from yesterday this morning, but also bloated and yucky, i'm back on the wagon today...
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